Harvey Needs a Man
by MuffinMartians
Summary: The Joker decides Harvey needs a new squeeze to cheer him up. Silly, SLASH comedy of course, now complete. Pairings: Joygasm and JokerCrane.
1. Chapter 1

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Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me.

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh) and occasional swearing_

_A/N: This is a comedy story I wrote a while back. It's silly and crack-ish but the good people over on DeviantArt liked it so here it is! Enjoy._

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**Harvey Needs a Man**

_Chapter one_

The Joker grunted as he was shoved unceremoniously back into his cell by the burly Arkham guard. He almost fell because of the damn straight jacket restricting his movements. After hearing the doors shut and lock behind him he caught sight of his cell mate Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane, who was currently sitting on his bed (they had bunk beds and the Joker had the top bunk of course. The Joker is always on top) reading a copy of today's Gotham Times. And pointedly ignoring him of course.

"Miss me Scary?" The Joker grinned, wincing as the new cut on his already scarred face gave a painful twinge. Scary gave no response so the Joker padded over to him, sat next to him on the bed, shifting right beside him and leant on him.

"Get off!" Scary protested, finally looking up from his paper and shoving the Joker away. The Joker laughed from his new position of face down on Scary's bed.

"Yuh gonuh helf muh outuv thif struhght juhket?" he spoke through a mouthful of sheets. He heard Scary sigh and the rustle of his paper being placed aside. As Scary pulled him up and began pulling at the straps of the straight jacket he asked,

"So is this the third or fourth time that Dent has sent you to the infirmary this month?"

"Possibly the fifth. I just don't know why Harvey is so mad at me,"

"You did kill his fiancée,"

"That girl? Jennifer, no, Riley?"

"You and I both know she was called Rachael. You pretend to forget to piss off Dent and then he hits you,"

"I don't! She's just amazingly forgettable,"

"Try telling that to Dent," Scary gave a final tug and the jacket became loose. The Joker stretched and readjusted his sitting place so he was uncomfortably close to Scary. Before Scary could protest he leaned over him and grabbed the copy of the Gotham Times that Scary had found so riveting. The front page had a large headline reading "RIDDLER CAUGHT" above a picture of Gotham covered in bright green question marks. The Joker quickly scanned the article, computers, security systems, master criminal called the Riddler...

"Who's this guy?" Scary just gave him a dry look as he shifted away.

"His name is all over the paper,"

"I know that," Joker growled "But who is he?" Scary sighed, used to the Joker's aggressive behaviour.

"He terrorised Gotham by destroying and taking over security systems and computers. He goes by 'the Riddler' and uses question marks as an insignia. He was finally caught by the bat yesterday. According to certain loud mouthed Arkham staff the bat was rather violent in his apprehension," The Joker perked up at the mention of violence "Did you not see him in the infirmary?" The Joker thought back to his little stay in the bed filled, off-white room.

"There was a corner curtained off and a lot more docs mumbling around than normal,"

"That'll be him then. Can I have my paper back?" The Joker dumped the paper in Scary's lap, stood up and paced the room. What had he been thinking about before all this Riddler business? Ah yes, his old pal Harv and his dead squeeze...

"Scary?" The Joker paused in his pacing to address his fellow criminal.

"Don't call me that," Scary didn't look up from his paper but he had just proved that he was listening.

"How can I stop Harvey from hitting me?" The Joker ignored Scary's request and continued with his train of thought.

"You could stop inciting him,"

"I don't incite him!"

"Really? I think yelling at him 'That girl of yours would have loved this place', 'Doesn't that nurse look like your dead squeeze?' or, my personal favourite, 'Your girl... Hailey? Yeah now she was a looker. Especially with a bat in her arms' counts as inciting him,"

"I can't help it, he looks so angry. Well half of him does. I just want to cheer him up with some good natured jokes," Scary snorted "Any other ideas?"

"You could get him a new girl, though how you find someone mad enough when we have separate gender wards is beyond me," The Joker broke into a wide grin. That was a great idea! He ran up to Scary, grabbed him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Argh! What the hell?"

"That idea is perfect!"

"Get off!"

"We'll find Harvey another squeeze!"

"Why am I involved in this?"

"It was your idea, anyway, don't you want to see Harvey happy? And more importantly, don't you want him to stop hitting me?"

"If you never do that again and never speak of it to anyone I'll help you,"

"Even the bat?"

"Especially the bat,"

"Fine. First we need to work out who Harvey would like..."

"Get off me," The Joker let go of Scary, who immediately wiped his cheek and grimaced. "There are a lot of nurses and females doctors..."

"Who said anything about females?" Scary looked at him with confusion and slight amusement etched in his features.

"You think Dent is bisexual?"

"He is Two Face,"

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_A/N: Short chapters are fun :D I can update quickly because I actually have all of this story written so expect an update soon (touch wood...oo-er). Hope you enjoyed, please review. _


	2. Chapter 2

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_Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me._

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh), occasional swearing and a little violence._

_A/N: I have all this prepared so I can update quick, enjoy!_

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_Chapter two_

"What about Jackson?"

"I'm trying to sleep,"

"I could see Harvey and Jackson together..."

"Can't this wait until morning? We've already been through the entire D block and the guards will not be happy if they hear talking,"

"Then I'll make sure they won't hear," The Joker silently got off his own bed and got into Scary's.

"Do you do this just to annoy me?" Scary hissed, backing right against the wall at the edge of the bed. The Joker just curled up beside him and whispered directly into his ear.

"You said the guards don't like to hear talking, they won't if I'm here. So what about Jackson?"

"He's taken,"

"How do you know?"

"He talks about his wife and kids all the time,"

"Maybe we should figure out who's taken or not first,"

"That is what I suggested after you mentioned Parson twenty names ago,"

"What do you think Harv likes in a squeeze?"

"His last one was overly inquisitive, annoying..." Scary yawned and trailed off.

"We should get him one with brains this time,"

"Uh huh," Scary mumbled, the Joker figuring the tranquillisers must be getting to him. When he squinted through the darkness he saw Scary had his eyes shut.

"Come on Scary, don't..." then his tranquillisers hit him.

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"Mr Joker how would you describe your relationship with Doctor Crane?" The Joker's psychiatrist posed the question professionally enough but the Joker knew that he was really asking why he had been in Scary's bed this morning. Now the Joker was torn. He could tell them all about how he and Scary were having a mad love affair but then he risked losing Scary as a roommate. And he really didn't have time to train a new one. He could tell the truth but that was no fun.

"Hmm... I like Scary, not sure if he's so fond of me though," he laughed.

"Why do you feel that Doctor Crane does not like you as much as you like him?" The Joker started giggling.

"I'm not the easiest person to get along with, am I doc? He doesn't fully appreciate my sense of humour,"

"Then why do you, in your words, like Doctor Crane?" Time to have some fun. The Joker pulled his best serious expression.

"He's very attractive under that bag, I normally expect people under masks to be ugly. Except the bat. Though he could have a huge forehead or something... but anyway, Scary's pretty. I'd love to see him in drag. We were having a long midnight chat about where we would go on a honeymoon... well I was, Scary was crying," He broke off into a long, loud laughing fit. His psychiatrist wrote down some notes. The Joker laughed even harder as he imagined the note pad with _'Joker makes Crane cry'_ written on it.

"Do you always use a nickname for Doctor Crane?"

"Only in bed," he laughed again, seeing the exact moment his psychiatrist gave up on getting any serious answers from him today.

"I think that is all for today, you may now go to the recreation room,"

"Is Scary there?" He was still laughing as the guards dragged him off.

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When he was deposited in the rec room he went straight over to Scary, who was sitting in his usual corner reading a book. He pulled up a chair directly in front of Scary's and sat bent over with his head rested in his hands staring at him. Scary gave no implication that he even knew the Joker was there.

"What you doing?" The Joker asked as innocently as he could. Scary gave no response except for the slightly more vicious than necessary turning of a page of his book. "Are you ignoring me?" Still no response. "You know you're cute when you read," Scary glared at him and the Joker smirked "Made you look,"

Scary returned to his book with another vicious flick of a page. "Is Harvey out of isolation yet?" The Joker looked around, spotting Harvey sitting hand cuffed to a guard and playing chess with another inmate. "Since you're not talking to me, I'll go try my luck with Harvey," The Joker got up and went over to the chess set, seeing Harvey glare with his good eye and get out his coin as he approached. The Joker clapped his hand on the shoulder of the man who Harvey had been playing chess with.

"Hello Drury! Long time no see," Drury looked up and squeaked at the sight of the Joker smiling at him. The Joker waited patiently while Harvey flipped his coin and swore under his breath as it came up with the unscarred side.

"What do you want Joker?" Harvey spat. Drury took the opportunity to get up and as far away as possible from the chess set and the mad men surrounding it. The Joker plonked himself down in the newly vacated seat.

"I just wanted to say sorry for 'inciting' you and I need to ask you a personal question," Another flip of the coin, another string of mumbled swearwords as the unscarred side came up.

"What?"

"Are you sexually attracted to men?" The Joker saw the guard twitch and Harvey shaking with anger as he reached for his coin again. Another flip. More swearing, this time louder. Harvey lent across the chess board, knocking several pieces off and hissed through gritted teeth.

"Yes, happy now?"

"Oh very. So you like Drury? He plays a mean game of chess!" The coin was flipped yet again. Harvey punched him and everything went black.

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_A/N: Anyone who knows who Drury is can have an imaginary cookie :) Please review._


	3. Chapter 3

___Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me._

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh), occasional swearing and a little violence._

_A/N: I update when I'm bored. Enjoy._

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_Chapter three_

"Ah you're awake. I was beginning to hope you were dead," The Joker groaned as he sat up. He was back in the infirmary with a splitting head ache. Why did Harvey always hit him in the face?

"You're visiting me? I'm touched," Scary was sat by his bedside, the same book he had earlier resting in his lap. Scary was smiling for once, even if it was a slightly cruel smile.

"I was trying to get a look at the Riddler but seeing you in pain is always a bonus,"

"Did you see this new guy then?"

"Oh yes, I talked to him earlier when he finally woke up. They say they'll let him out soon. Now he's asleep again, not surprising since the bat threw him around like a rag doll. What did you say to Dent this time?" The Joker suddenly remembered his most recent encounter with Harvey and started laughing.

"I asked him if he liked men,"

"No wonder he looked angry, did he reply or was that when he hit you?"

"He said yes then I asked him what he thought of Drury..."

"Ah so that's when he hit you. No one likes Walker,"

"Have you thought of anyone then?"

"I have an idea," Scary said with a rare smile.

"Doctor Crane? You have to go back to your cell now," A doctor came over to the bed with a guard ready to escort Scary away.

"I'll tell you later," Scary said as he stood and walked with the guard towards the infirmary door. When he was halfway across the room the Joker called out

"Bye Scary!"

"Don't call me that," Scary called back and the Joker giggled as he left and a nurse came over to tranquillise him.

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Once he'd been released from the infirmary again and dumped in the rec room he pulled up a chair by Scary.

"Joker," Scary acknowledged him for once, even looking up from whatever book he was reading today.

"Hello Scary, anything interesting happen while I was away?"

"Don't call me... oh forget it. No, nothing important has happened. Though my psychiatrist is very interested in how you 'treat' me,"

"I'm very nice to you, you're my best friend in the whole of Arkham,"

"How sweet," Scary said sarcastically.

"I'm serious," The Joker said with a growl. Scary looked at him then quickly away. Something caught Scary's eye by the door. No, someone. He was a skinny looking brunette with an arm in a sling, a black eye and a fading bruise or three on his face. Scary got up and went to greet the man, bringing him over to their corner after a moment of conversation. The Joker stood as they approached and put on his best smile. Needless to say when the man caught sight of him he looked scared.

"Edward this is the Joker. Joker, this is Edward Nygma otherwise known as the Riddler,"

"I've heard a lot about you," Edward put his good hand out to shake, the Joker took it and kissed it like a medieval knight would to a damsel in distress.

"Nice to meet you Eddie," He said in a low voice with his nicest smile. Eddie slowly took his hand back and looked slightly surprised before returning the smile nervously. Now that the Joker could see him properly he noticed that Eddie looked quite young behind the bruising and he was only slightly taller than Scary. He couldn't help thinking that he looked slightly effeminate. He would be some ugly inmate's bitch by lunch. The Joker couldn't let that happen, not when Scary seemed so fond of him. The Joker went and grabbed a chair for Eddie so he could sit with them in their corner.

"Thanks," Eddie said nervously, taking the chair and sitting in it. Scary and the Joker sat too and the Joker put his hand on Scary's shoulder.

"So who's your cellmate Eddie?" he fished for information about who he would have to scare to keep their grubby hands off his new friend.

"I'm not sure, I haven't been to my cell yet," Damn, there went that plan.

"Scary here is my roommate,"

"Not by choice,"

"You know you'd choose me over Harvey any day,"

"Well I do like my teeth,"

"Who's Harvey?" Eddie asked, looking around nervously.

"That's Harvey 'Two Face' Dent over there," The Joker pointed to Harvey, who was again handcuffed to a guard and playing chess with Drury. Maybe that was some kind of punishment. Eddie looked over and the Joker saw his eyes widen as he saw Harvey's burnt side.

"I wouldn't stare if I were you, you could end up with a fifty-fifty chance of going back to the infirmary," Scary warned, also noticing Eddie's interest in Harvey.

"How?" was all Eddie could seem to say as he wrenched his eyes from Harvey.

"His fault," Scary pointed to The Joker.

"Hey, I didn't know he'd fall in the oil and catch on fire! I blame Batman, he's the one who let him fry. Anyway, now he uses a coin to decide his actions, something about fate, I've never really listened. He has a bit of an anger problem, at least when it comes to me,"

"You incite him,"

"I don't incite him!"

"What do you mean by anger problem?" Eddie asked, taking a quick glance at Harvey.

"He's sent me to the infirmary three times this month,"

"It's got to be at least five times by now,"

"Oh that's terrible," Eddie looked genuinely concerned. The Joker was slightly taken aback.

"At least someone's sympathetic,"

"Don't be, he deserved it all five times,"

"Why?"

"I just tried to cheer him up!"

"He constantly taunts Dent about his dead fiancée, who he killed,"

"I didn't kill her. At least not directly. And it's not taunting. Wait if you haven't heard about this you must be from out of town,"

"I used to travel with a carnival,"

"You don't look like a side show," Scary kicked him and Eddie giggled nervously. The Joker crossed his arms and pouted.

"I just worked with the computers, made sure the Ferris wheel went at the right speed... or didn't," Eddie smirked and the Joker laughed. Oh this guy was fun. "I can cartwheel though,"

"You'll have to show me sometime," The Joker used his low growl and smiled again. Eddie flinched and pointed shakily to his bandaged arm.

"M..my arm's broken," he stuttered. He looked scared. Was it something he'd said? The Joker was about to ask when Scary handed Eddie a newspaper opened at the puzzle pages and a pen.

"Could you do the first Sudoku for me?" Eddie started immediately and when he looked suitably engrossed Scary lent against the Joker and whispered in his ear.

"Stop terrorising him, it's his first day,"

"I'm being as nice as I can, why did he freak out?" The Joker whispered back.

"You sound like you're flirting with him,"

"Really?" The Joker didn't bother whispering and Eddie looked up. The Joker took his chance "Eddie, don't worry, I'm not coming onto you. You're not my type," Eddie smiled, looking the most relaxed the Joker had seen him so far.

"I can see that now. You're not mine either, no offence. Even if I do like interesting men," The Joker looked at Scary, who was still leaning against him and saw that he was giving him a slightly sly look.

"Do you think...?"

"Definitely,"

They'd found the perfect match for Harvey.

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_A/N: It's best just to be open about your sexuality in Arkham ;) Thank you to all the reviewers from chapter 1 and 2, I will try to reply to every review even if I'm a bit late with replying sometimes. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, please review._


	4. Chapter 4

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_Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me._

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh) and occasional swearing_

_A/N: This is about half way through the story now. Enjoy._

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_Chapter four_

"How do we get them together?" Scary asked, sitting on his bed while the Joker paced their cell.

"We'll need to be lucky, you know Harvey will flip his coin for everything,"

"He's back in isolation again too. Hit Walker with the chess board,"

"See, it's not just me. He does have anger problems,"

"Should we introduce them?"

"That'd be a good place to start,"

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Eddie joined their table for breakfast in the morning. He looked worried.

"How was your first day in your cell?" The Joker asked cheerily "Who's your roommate?"

"That person you were talking about yesterday... Dent? Except he wasn't there because he's in isolation again," The Joker and Scary exchanged a quick look. Does this make their job easier or harder? "Do you think he'll beat me up?" Eddie asked in a small voice. The Joker clapped his hand on Eddie's shoulder, causing him to wince since it was the shoulder on his broken arm.

"You know Eddie, Harvey isn't that bad. He's just a little... unpredictable,"

"He's nice half of the time," Scary added. Eddie still looked worried. "We'll introduce you to him, you'll be fine," Eddie smiled but he still didn't look convinced. The Joker decided to change subject.

"Hey Eddie has anyone came onto you yet?" Eddie looked taken aback.

"...No. Why?"

"To put it bluntly, you look like perfect bitch material," Scary kicked him under the table "Ow! I'm just warning him! Eddie, I won't let some grubby ex-mobster get his hands on you,"

"Thanks... I guess,"

"You have mine and Scary's protection now, no one should bother you. Scary's a lot more evil than he looks," Scary just smiled sweetly, accenting the Joker's point perfectly as an inmate walking by their table sped up.

After breakfast on a Tuesday the Joker would usually have a little chat with his psychiatrist but today his psychiatrist had been sent to... do something (the Joker hadn't really been listening) and no other docs were willing to take his session. So today he was just sent straight to the rec room. When he entered the room he quickly scanned it for Harvey, nudging Scary as he spotted him playing checkers with Morris. He was no longer cuffed to a guard. Maybe they'd finally realised it wasn't working.

"Come on Eddie," the Joker purred as he put an arm round Eddie's waist and lead him to Harvey, Scary following just behind. "Harvey!" he shouted as he walked across the room, Harvey's head snapped up. He scowled as he saw him. "My old pal Harv," Morris ran from the checkers board as the Joker stood facing Harvey, his arm still wrapped around Eddie. Harvey flipped his coin and sighed as it came up with the unscarred side.

"What do you want Joker?"

"I just want to introduce you to my new friend and your new roommate," Harvey seemed to just notice Eddie. He stood and put his hand out to shake.

"Hi, I'm Harvey, nice to meet you. What's your name?" Harvey smiled with the good side of his face. The Joker recognised the greeting from ten thousand campaigns. The Joker let go of Eddie and Eddie shook Harvey's hand and smiled back nervously.

"Edward Nygma, known to Gotham as the Riddler,"

"Riddler... you had a lot of newspaper coverage,"

"Hmm, yes..." Scary nudged the Joker as Eddie seemed to become transfixed with Harvey's burnt side. Unfortunately Harvey noticed too and dropped his politician smile. He put his face inches from the smaller man's. The Joker thought of helping Eddie out here but Eddie looked unfazed. Scary looked slightly anxious but had obviously come to the same conclusion as the Joker. They'd wait and see what happened. Harvey got out his coin and flipped it. It came up the scarred side.

"Are you staring at me?" Harvey growled, turning his face slightly to the left so Eddie would see his burnt side very clearly.

"You're... fascinating," Eddie looked truly mesmerised as he got a close up look at Harvey. Harvey's good side looked confused then suspicious and the coin was flipped again, this time the unscarred side came up.

"Really?" Harvey eyed Eddie suspiciously, a strange kind of strangled hope in his voice.

"Very," Eddie smiled, his eyes still wide and fixed on Harvey. Harvey stepped back slightly so he was no longer intimidating Eddie. He still looked confused and suspicious but he definitely wasn't angry. The Joker took this as a good sign, though he still had no idea what was going on. Scary's hand on his shoulder attracted his attention and Scary lent up to whisper to him,

"Edward isn't disgusted by Dent's less attractive side," The pieces clicked into place in the Joker's mind.

"So Eddie's not staring at him because he's gross looking? He's staring because he finds the fried side interesting?"

"Do you like checkers Harvey?" The Joker and Scary's whispered conversation was interrupted as they both turned their attention back to Eddie and Harvey.

"More than chess," Harvey smiled. Harvey actually smiled! For real, not just for effect. The Joker and Scary exchanged a quick look and the Joker put his arm around Scary's shoulders. For once Scary didn't push him away.

"Want to play a game?" Eddie asked Harvey. Harvey paused then took out his coin again, flipping it and smiling as the unscarred side came up.

"Sure," He began setting up the board and Eddie turned to the Joker and Scary, gave them a quick wink and looked around before passing Scary a neatly folded piece of paper.

"Read it later," he murmured before sitting at the checkers board. Scary hid the paper in his Arkham uniform and gestured to the Joker that they should move away.

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_A/N: Eddie has something special planned. Thanks to all those who reviewed. Hope you enjoyed reading, please review._

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	5. Chapter 5

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_Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me._

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh) and occasional swearing_

_A/N: I love reviewers. Enjoy._

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_Chapter five_

The Joker lay on his bed. He had began counting the ceiling tiles just for something to do. He was waiting for Scary to come back from his therapy session.

_234, 235, 236..._ He bolted upright as he heard the cell door open.

"Scary!" The Joker jumped off the bed and onto Scary, knocking him down. He pinned Scary to the floor of their cell and grinned at him. Scary just gave him a wry look.

"Pleased to see me then?"

"Very," The Joker purred, bringing his face closer to Scary's. "I think the plan is working, Harvey smiled for once. You are a genius," Scary looked a bit suspicious at the praise (the Joker does not compliment often) but half smiled anyway.

"As nice as it is the test the padding on the floor can you please get off me so I can read the note Edward gave me earlier," The Joker got up and offered a hand to Scary, who took it, letting the Joker pull him off the floor. Scary took his hand back and pulled the note out of the front of his Arkham uniform. He unfolded it and the Joker watched his eyes scan whatever was written on it.

"What's it say?" The Joker stood behind Scary and looked over his shoulder.

"It's a riddle,"

"_For some I go fast, for others I'm slow, to most I'm an obsession, relying on me is a well practised lesson,_" The Joker read out loud, resting his head on Scary's shoulder as he did so. "What does that mean?"

"The answer is time," Scary flipped the paper over to see if there was anything else. Written in one of the corners of the page was the simple sentence '_You'll know when to use this'_. "Strange," Scary muttered.

"This is Arkham," The Joker slipped his arms around Scary's waist, causing Scary to stiffen but he didn't struggle.

"Joker..." Whatever Scary had been going to say was interrupted as the door to their cell suddenly clicked and swung open. Harvey stood in the door way, his good side smirking.

"Come on, I'm only getting you out because Edward insisted," Harvey began walking down the hall, leaving the door open. Scary quickly detached the Joker's arms from his waist and followed Harvey, checking up and down the hall for guards before leaving the cell. The Joker followed him, intrigued and slightly annoyed by this interesting interruption.

* * *

"Hi!" Eddie called cheerily as they approached. He was leaning out of the front passenger seat window of an Arkham van. "Jump in the back, Harvey's driving," The Joker opened the back of the van and hopped in, again offering his hand to Scary to help him up. The Joker was sure he heard Eddie stifle a giggle as Scary took his hand. They sat across from each other on the seats which would normally have been used for transporting patients to Arkham. Between the front and back of the van was a metal grate that was supposed to stop inmates attacking the driver but also let whoever was in the front keep an eye on their insane cargo. Eddie was twisted around in his seat and grinning through the grate. "All set?" The Joker grinned back

"Ready," Scary just nodded. Harvey started the van and they drove out of the grounds of Arkham. "Eddie, care to share any details with us?" The Joker asked, gripping onto the cold metal of the grate just because he could without a guard shouting at him.

"I hacked all the computer systems in Gotham. The GPD thought I hadn't managed to reach Arkham but let's just say I'm good at hiding my work. Once everything is in place it's easy to activate. Guards can be distracted or sent home, alarms can be switched off, cells opened, vehicles stolen... you get the idea,"

"Clever," Scary spoke, even looking impressed for once. The Joker suddenly noticed a large black box rested in the seat at the end of his row.

"What's that?"

"Try and open it and find out," Eddie smiled mischievously. The Joker shifted down the row of seats until he was beside the box then looked at it closer. It was a heavy looking, with a key pad instead of a normal lock. The Joker sat staring at it for a moment before turning to Scary.

"Scary? Any ideas?" He knew Scary had been looking over at him and his lack of effort with the box.

"Try putting 8-4-6-3 in the key pad,"

"Why?"

"It's time spelt out in numbers, like on a cell phone," The Joker tapped in the code and the box clicked. The Joker opened the box and saw that it was full of clothing and weapons, more specifically his, Scary's, Harvey's and he assumed Eddie's clothes and his many knives, Harvey's gun, a few canisters of Scary's fear gas and a strange short metal stick.

"It's our stuff from the Arkham storage room," He rummaged around in the box until he found what he was looking for. "Here you go Scary," he threw it across the van, expertly hitting Scary in the head. Scary gave him an annoyed look until he saw that the Joker had thrown him his mask. The Joker saw a flicker of a pleased expression cross Scary's face before he realised what he was doing and pulled back to his normal blank expression. "Thought you might want that," The Joker smiled then returned to the box. He fished out a green bowler hat with a question mark on it. "This yours Eddie?"

"Hmm? The hat? Yeah," Eddie said absent mindedly. He had been watching Harvey drive, the Joker was pleased to note. He put the hat on his head.

"Hey Eddie, do you think it suits me?" He finally caught Eddie's attention.

"Oh yes, green is definitely your colour," Eddie smiled. The Joker laughed and returned to the box, this time taking out the strange stick thing. "Be careful with that, the end is sharpened," Eddie warned half heartedly, his attention being slowly drawn back to Harvey. The Joker looked at the stick, noticing it had a large question mark at one end and a sharp point at the other. He weighed it in his hands and noticed it was retracted. With a flick of his wrist he brought it out to its full length. It was like a weaponised walking stick. Fun.

"Is this the place Edward?" Harvey finally spoke. The Joker went back to his seat by the grate and peeked through to try and see what Harvey was talking about.

"Yeah, wait a second I'll open the doors," Edward picked up a remote control that had been resting by his feet and pressed a few buttons. A moment later they pulled into a plain looking warehouse. "We're swapping vehicles here so we don't attract attention with the Arkham van. You can also get changed if you want, there are a few back rooms here,"

The group of criminals left their stolen van, the Joker bringing the box out so everyone could retrieve their things. The Joker wandered off to a back room to change, momentarily entertaining the idea of following Scary but deciding against it as Scary would without a doubt use his newly reacquired fear gas if the Joker even tried. The Joker thought his knives would not work so well against a twenty foot imaginary snake or whatever he would hallucinate about with Scary's fear gas.

Once the Joker had changed he returned to the main room. He noticed Eddie and Scary by their next intended vehicle (a large beat up looking car with oddly tinted windows) deep in conversation. They hadn't noticed the Joker yet so he crept closer and hid behind a large support beam to listen to what they were saying. "And get a fifty-fifty chance? No way,"

"Well, what if he asked you? I could get Joker to talk to him, he has a strange way with Dent,"

"A way which gets him beaten up. If you think it'll help though go ahead. Speaking of Joker, is there anything going on there?"

"What?"

"You know, between you and him..."

"No," There was a slight pause.

"Do you want there to be?"

"You know," The Joker snapped around at the sudden voice behind him "You shouldn't be listening to them. It never helps,"

"If you're here, you must have been listening too Harvey," The Joker retaliated, annoyed that Harvey had interrupted his perfectly well intentioned eavesdropping.

"I just came out of that room and saw what you were doing. Luck was on your side Joker, I might have just told them you were here instead of coming over. Come on," Harvey walked out from behind the beam towards Eddie and Scary, the Joker following him after pulling faces behind his back for a few seconds. After loading into the car they drove off once again into Gotham.

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_A/N: Could this be an actual plot?! Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. There's only two chapters left after this one. Hope you enjoyed, please review._


	6. Chapter 6

___Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me._

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh) and occasional swearing_

_A/N: I love the way writers get more obsessive over reviews the longer a story goes on. Right now if I could make you review by force I would, and it's only been six chapters. I hate to imagine what I'd be like with a 30 chapter fic._

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_Chapter six_

The Joker had watched Scary carefully as he slowly succumbed to sleep. Only he and Harvey were awake now, Eddie had fallen asleep suddenly half way through an explanation of what he called his 'multiple cars' trick. The Joker had considered annoying Harvey but he didn't want to test whether Harvey could flip his coin while driving. So he just watched the rhythmic rise and fall of Scary's chest as he slept.

"You're unusually quiet," Harvey remarked.

"Eddie and Scary are sleeping, I don't want to wake them,"

"How considerate,"

"I'm always considerate," Harvey snorted "Hey Harv," The Joker remembered the conversation Eddie and Scary were having and decided to try Scary's little theory "Our friends are cute when they sleep,"

"Crane's more of an acquaintance to me,"

"Harvey! We're all friends here,"

"I don't like you,"

"So Scary's an acquaintance, you don't like me... what about Eddie?" The Joker had avoided asking questions until this point. He hoped Harvey knew how to drive while flipping a coin. He heard the rustling sound of Harvey taking his coin out of his pocket then a gentle clink as he flipped it. They hadn't crashed so far. The Joker couldn't see the outcome of the coin flip from his seat in the back.

"I met him today," Harvey answered.

"I met him yesterday and he's already one of my best friends," The Joker pointed out "and Scary seems to like him too. Eddie's a great guy, smart, young, attractive," he put extra empathise on the last word, a grin spreading across his face as he heard Harvey's coin clink again.

"So is Crane,"

"What?" the Joker narrowed his eyes.

"Under that sack he's not bad looking. I would," the Joker growled and scowled as Harvey laughed at his reaction. "He's a bit quiet but they say the quiet ones are always..." the Joker lunged at the back of Harvey's seat. "Remember I'm driving Joker,"

"What are you two doing?" Eddie asked groggily. The noise had woken him. The Joker just growled again. Harvey flipped his coin.

"The Joker wants us to date,"

"Yeah, so does Jonathan," The Joker sat up "Oh don't look so surprised, you're pretty obvious about it. Is Jonathan asleep?" The Joker was taken aback and slightly annoyed by finding out his and Scary's plan had been discovered so easily. "Joker?"

"What?"

"Is Jonathan asleep?" Eddie repeated. The Joker looked over at Scary.

"He looks like he is,"

"Good. Joker, if you're messing Jonathan around I swear I'll make your life hell and when I swear I..." Eddie just seemed to stop instantly.

"He must have had some strong drugs at Arkham," Harvey murmured. The Joker sat back, his anger at Harvey defused. He thought of asking Harvey if what he had said about his Scary was true but then remembered Harvey's answer would be flipped for. Damn Harvey. And his stupid coin.

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Later Eddie woke up again and explained why their journey had taken so long. They were trying to avoid detection by any flying rodents and had to be careful where they drove. They finally reached the hideout the Joker had asked to be taken to. He wondered if any henchmen would still be hanging around. He poked Scary in the side.

"Wakey-wakey Scary," he grinned as Scary's eyes flickered open "We're here,"

"Where exactly is here?" Scary's voice was slightly hoarse and he didn't sound fully awake. His rough voice reminded Joker vaguely of the way Scary sounded with his mask on.

"One of my many amazing hideouts and also where you will at least be spending the night. The bat got a hold of your last hideout remember," Scary looked slightly worried by this proposition, something Eddie obviously picked up on as he peeked over the top of his seat.

"You could come to one of my hideouts Jonathan if you..." The Joker growled at Eddie and he trailed off.

"If you're so scared about leaving Scary in my care then you can stay too. And Harvey, heck let's have a slumber party,"

"Harvey?" Eddie turned to Harvey, who sighed and flipped his coin.

"Fine but don't think we'll just have sex if you put us in the same room,"

"I would never think that of you Harvey, I know you'd have to flip your coin for it first," The Joker heard Harvey growl and smiled to himself for getting one up on Harvey.

The four villains exited the vehicle, all of them stretching as soon as they had the room. The Joker surreptitiously watched Scary stretch and resisted the urge to wolf whistle. The way Scary stretched seemed so... un-Scary-ish. "This way," The Joker strode off into his hideout, the others following him closely.

He was slightly surprised by the small gaggle of henchmen hanging around in the first room. He picked up a gun that was lying by the doorway (he must have been gone a while, he was sure he'd left a knife here), pointed it to the ceiling and fired. That got the henchmen's attention. "Clear up whatever mess you've made and leave," The Joker ordered. While the goons stumbled around, picking rubbish up and moving things around, the Joker continued into the large room and sat on the couch in the middle of the room, gesturing for the other villains to sit with him. He was going to make this little slumber party as fun and eventful as he could.

They still had a plan and the Joker was going to see it through, maybe with a little side quest to suit his own needs...

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_A/N: Thank you to my reviewer from last chapter. The next chapter will be the final chapter, the end, the finale to this mildly entertaining and incredibly gay (in the homosexual sense) story. I hope to see you there. Please review._


	7. Chapter 7

___Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me._

__

_Warning: This story contains slash (duh) and occasional swearing_

_A/N: Last chapter. Please enjoy (and review)._

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_Chapter seven_

"Welcome, gentlemen, to the first ever Joker's Slumber Party!"

"Stop calling it that,"

"What? The first ever Joker's Slumber Party?"

"Yes that!"

"But it is the first ever Joker's Slumber Party,"

"No it's not!"

"Not what?"

"The first ever... damn it!"

The Joker laughed as he enraged Harvey. Eddie stifled his giggles and Scary rolled his eyes.

"Are you two going to do this all night?" Scary asked from his position in the corner of the couch. The Joker had got his henchmen to bring another couch over so he and Scary sat on one couch while Eddie and Harvey occupied the other. The Joker was pleased to note they were sat quite close. He was displeased by the distance Scary kept from him.

"Jonathan, I can barely hear you when you're in the corner like that," Eddie smiled at Scary. Scary glared at him then moved ever so slightly towards the Joker. The Joker leaned over, put one arm around Scary's shoulders and one around his waist and pulled him right against his side. He grinned as Eddie gave Scary a pleased look and he felt Scary relax slightly in his arms.

"Much better," The Joker began "are we ready to start the first ever..."

"Yes," Harvey cut in.

"What are we going to do?" asked Scary.

"I don't know," Joker shrugged. Eddie giggled, attracting the attention of the men surrounding him.

"I have an idea," he said brightly.

"Let's hear it," The Joker grinned. He liked that mischievous look in Eddie's features.

"We could play spin the bottle," Harvey and Scary groaned and the Joker laughed.

"We are not teenage girls Edward," Scary spoke firmly.

"No, we're four gay men who dress up to fight a man in a rodent costume having a slumber party in an old warehouse," Eddie stated coolly.

"I'm bi," Harvey interjected.

"Spin the bottle is the kissing one right?" Eddie nodded. The Joker grinned. "I'm in," This could work for their plan.

"Harvey?" Eddie looked at Harvey who rubbed his temples with one hand and flipped his coin with the other. Harvey looked at the outcome.

"I have to,"

"Great! What do you think then Jonathan?" Eddie turned to Scary. The three villains stared at Scary, who just sighed.

"Fine but I know this will not work out like you think it will Edward,"

"Don't worry Jonathan. Do you have a bottle anywhere Joker?"

"I have a gun," The Joker picked the recently discarded gun up and threw it to Eddie.

"That'll do. Harvey, remove the bullets, we don't want it to go off," Harvey removed the remaining bullets from the gun and Eddie placed it on a table between the two couches. "Rules are simple, the bottle, well gun in this case, is spun twice and the two people it landed on have to kiss. You can refuse but there will be a forfeit to pay. Who wants to start?"

"I will, this is my hideout," The Joker took his arm from Scary's waist and span the gun on the table. When it stopped it was pointed towards Eddie, who smirked slightly and checked his breath. "Okay Eddie, you have to kiss..." the Joker span the gun again. It now pointed towards Scary.

"I told you this wouldn't work out like you thought it would," Scary removed the Joker's arm from his shoulders, got up from their couch and sat beside Eddie.

"Oh shut up," Eddie leaned in and kissed Scary. The Joker and Harvey stared at them.

"This turning you on Harv?"

"Piss off Joker," Eddie and Scary broke apart and Scary returned to their couch.

"I'll spin," Scary reached towards the gun and span it delicately. It stopped on Harvey.

"This'll be good," the Joker murmured as Scary span the gun again. It pointed to the Joker. Harvey looked momentarily disgusted before flipping his coin again.

"I forfeit, anything but that,"

"I'm insulted Harvey," The Joker tried to sound hurt as a wave of relief hit him. He didn't have to smear his make up on Harvey's burnt side.

"Just kiss Edward," Scary said "It's what everyone was hoping for," Before Harvey could flip his coin Eddie grabbed the front of his shirt with his not broken arm and pulled him into the kiss. "Can we call our plan a success?" Scary turned to the Joker.

"Well it's early days but I'd say that's good evidence," When Eddie and Harvey finally broke apart, the Joker grinned. "See Eddie, you shouldn't leave these things to chance. In fact," The Joker wrapped his arms around Scary's waist and locked his painted lips to Scary's clean ones. Now here was a person he was happy to pass his make up to.

* * *

The Joker crept silently across the room to where his little partner-in-more-than-crime was packing containers of fear gas into boxes. He stood behind Scary and slowly slid his arms around his waist.

"Guess who,"

"Joker," his voice was made deeper and distorted by his mask "what have I told you about creeping up on me when I'm working?"

"Don't do it when you have fear gas because you refuse to be held responsible if you spray me?"

"Yes, exactly," Scary turned so he was facing the Joker, still with the Joker's arms around him. He removed his mask and ran a hand through his hair. He was smiling slightly so the Joker assumed he wasn't too annoyed. "Why are you here besides the obvious reason of annoying me?"

"Eddie called, he said he and Harvey will be on TV soon,"

"Gotham Tonight or GCN?"

"Gotham Tonight, they're gloating over a crime I think,"

"Let's go watch," They went into the main room of their hideout where several goons jumped out of the way as they approached the TV.

"... and that's how the puppy rescued the fireman. Now we go to Stacy Johnson who has been kidnapped with camera crew and now has live footage of the Riddler and Two Face,"

"They kidnapped a camera crew?" Scary mumbled.

"Posers,"

"Thanks Aaron!" Now Eddie took over the screen, grinning at the camera with one arm lazily draped around Harvey and the other holding his question mark stick.

"His arm healed nicely didn't it?"

"How much do you bet the bat will break it again?" The Joker smirked.

"We've left a trail for you to find Batman but you're going to have to be lucky if you want to find us!" Eddie cackled, smiling at Harvey as he said lucky.

"We'll be keeping the news team until you arrive," Harvey added, grinning back at Eddie with the good half of his face.

"See ya Bat!" Eddie called before he brought his stick up and smashed it straight into the camera.

"How long do you think they'll have before they're back in Arkham?" Scary asked the Joker as the news switched to a plea from the people for Batman to save them.

"I give them until the end of the night,"

**The End**

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_A/N: And that's a wrap! Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Hope you all liked the ending, please review._

_MME x_


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